Sailor walks into a bar . . .

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klondike

Post by klondike »

Careful on that river, Hollis; pull your sail when you pass the pyramids! :twisted:
Hollis
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Post by Hollis »

Klonnie,

When you mentioned Steel City beer, were you possibly thinking of Iron City beer instead? The reason I'm asking is that I've never heard of Steel City beer, and my dad drank either Iron City, Schmidt's(of Philadelphia) or Ballantine as the mood (and price) struck him. All three were delivered by the local beer distributor in returnable 16 oz bottles in a wooden case! Talk about service!

As (hic) always,

Hollis
klondike

Post by klondike »

Hollis wrote:Klonnie,

When you mentioned Steel City beer, were you possibly thinking of Iron City beer instead?
As (hic) always,

Hollis
You're exactly right, Hollis, I was misremembering Iron City, and I'm not sure I'd even know that name at all, if not for their claim of producing the first commercially distributed cans with pull-tab tops!
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Birdy
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Post by Birdy »

There seems to be alcohol everywhere I go.

This reminds me of living in St. Louis, where they serve beer on tap at even the zoo.

B
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. To which she replied, 6.

The judge then said, "Your penalty will be 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the sentence, the woman's husband rose and asked if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
klondike

Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by klondike »

One of my all-time favorite jokes, and a fitting close (for now) to our "booze run":

Q: What's the difference between deer nuts & beer nuts? :mrgreen:

A: Beer nuts will run you about a dollar & 89 cents, but deer nuts are always under a buck! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one
hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the
green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean.
Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and
said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
"WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again: "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
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Dewey1960
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Location: Oakland, CA

Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by Dewey1960 »

CHARLES DICKENS saunters into a London pub one afternoon
and says to the bartender: "I'd like a martini, please."
The bartender says: "Olive or twist?"
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knitwit45
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Location: Gardner, KS

For you really OLD GUYS.....

Post by knitwit45 »

Since Dewey, Ark, and Klonnie just had birthdays, and Hollis's is coming up on 3-31, I thought I would share some advice: :D :D :D


HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi:

all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape! The rabbi looks up and says,

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start" :D :roll: :shock:
melwalton
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by melwalton »

While back, at Christmas time, a local reporter??, Comic??? would talk about a beer called OLD FROTHINGSLOSH. I think it was just a comic name like W.C. Fields or Groucho
Marx made up. Maybe someone from western PA could supply some info . ... mel


HEAVEN IS A PLACE WHERE THERE IS AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF ANTI ITCH LOTION. HELL IS WHERE THERE ISN'T.
klondike

Post by klondike »

A Cajun walks into a bar with his pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar, and turns to address the astonished patrons.

"I'll make y'a'll deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute . . then he'll open his mouth, and I'll remove my male anatomy unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd laughs & murmurs loudly in disbelief.

The man gets up on the bar, pulls down his trousers, and places his most personal parts in the alligator's mouth. The gator closes his mouth, and the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and smacks the alligator hard on top of its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitalia unscathed. The crowd cheers, and the free drinks begin to flow.

The man then stands up again and hollers "I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give that a try!"
A hush falls over the crowd, until a hand goes up in the back of the bar. A redhaired woman timidly steps forward, saying: "OK, I'll try it - just don't hit me too hard with that beer bottle!"
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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knitwit45
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Re: Sailor walks into a bar . . .

Post by knitwit45 »

I received this in an email note from someone who knows I love Ms. Andrews -

Julie Andrews recently turned 69, and appeared at Radio City Music Hall for the AARP. This is one of the songs she sang, to the tune of "My Favorite Things"


Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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