Is the internet really bad for me?

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charliechaplinfan
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Post by charliechaplinfan »

Chris, when I think about my teenage years I wish I'd have known that the important things aren't the number of friends you have or whether you conform to every teenage fad and fashion.

I also wish I'd known that as I got older I'd get more comfortable in my own skin and not give a hoot about what others thought of my taste in movies and music. I love to be able to bottle that feeling to give it to my own children.

It's tough being a teenager and finding your own way, I have no desire to revisit my teen years or the mistakes I made but I did learn along the way. You're son's gaming is probably a passing fad, you sound like a grear Dad someone he can talk to and empathise can empathise with him.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin
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movieman1957
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Post by movieman1957 »

Alison:

Thank you for the kind words. I'm like you as I wouldn't want to revisit my teen years too. I never got in any trouble but they were pretty boring. I'm still looking for my comfort level. I've never had much self confidence but I manage.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
Synnove
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Post by Synnove »

Movieman1957, I can also relate to what your son is going through, and what you went through. It's great that you are understanding of that. I'm sure he appreciates it.

Re. how young people respond to the internet, I started surfing when I was about 12, and I have checked a few weird websites in my time out of curiosity. However, I never actually started to, say, create bombs, or join skinhead organizations, or anything like that, because the environment that I come from has given me a strong notion of what is right and what is wrong. Even children can have integrity. My teachers have also made sure I don't put my trust in sites like Wikipedia when I'm interested in finding out the truth. For me, the people of flesh and blood who are important to me will always have more influence than people on the net who I have no connection to at all. I can only speak for myself though, I wouldn't want to draw a map of how every teenager is going to respond to a thing like the internet, since that would be impossible. People will react in different ways, so I guess the most important thing is to know one's own child?
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mrsl
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Post by mrsl »

Synnove:

It would be a wonderful dream world if all kids had parents to guide, and cultivate them, but many don't. Thank God I instilled some integrity to my kids because by the time they were 11 and 12 they were fending for themselves so I could hold down 3 jobs to feed and clothe them as well as pay for a roof over their heads. I never got a dime of child support because it was in the days of paying for a lawyer and court costs to bring the jerk to court. But I digress. Many youngsters today are also 'latch key' kids, but not so much for necessities, a lot are left so mom can work for that second SUV in the driveway, or that swimming pool, or those computers, TV's, and telephones that are SO VITAL to today's living. Today a mother says, it's nice to dial the phone and know where your kid is -- HA-HA. You don't know where he is. He could be in the middle of a poker game, drinking beer for all you know if he says he's in the park playing ball!!! Three days of being grounded during the first week of summer was enough to make sure I was on my way home as soon as the streetlights came on, or when I smelled dinners cooking in the neighborhood. My mom didn't need a cell phone to call me and remind me to come home. And shame on her if she did, because she hadn't done her job properly in raising me.

Oh I'm not saying my kids were in any way perfect - No WAY, but that's where my being more sneaky and tricky than they were came in. I had to know what they were up to before they got into trouble with curiosity and experimentation.

I believe you live in Sweden or Norway and if that is the case, possibly you have a sharper class of parents than the U.S. has. Here many of them feel the more they give their kids, the better off the kids are, or they waited so long to have kids they're exhausted by late afternoon and let the kids do pretty much what they want. My friends and I had our kids at 18 and 19, so by 40 they were either in college, married, or working full time, but adults at any rate. Today you have a kid at 30, by 45 you're car pooling, doing laundry, making dinner and holding down a full time job Monday through Friday, because God forbid those little darlings know how to start dinner, do laundry, and baby sit for spending money instead of an allowance.

I've probably made some of you angry, but that's not because you are angry at my words, but because you feel guilty because what I'm saying is close to the truth. Now remember I often used the words many, much, a few, etc. - I'm not talking about everyone, in fact only a small portion, but that small portion are the ones that the 'not so lucky' kids try to imitate and the circle begins.

Anne
Anne


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movieman1957
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Post by movieman1957 »

Bryce:

Your mom is right in the sense that there is no rule book but that is no excuse for being a bad parent. You try, you experiment, you seek other's help but you don't quit.

I am so blessed. I have great parents. I have worked with my father for 20 years and I wouldn't have it any other way. I always feel bad for those like you and your wife who have had trouble because it seems unnecessary.

You hit home with parents and their priorities. The car seat story floored me. I dont have great stuff. My wife and I drive 10 year old cars. We've lived in the same house for 19 years. We've struggled at times. I didn't want to work two jobs so I could be home with my family. I thought it might be more beneficial than working a 12 hour day six days a week.
My pastor says that no person on their death bed says "I wish I'd spent more time in the office." Once we decided to have kids I decided to be a dad. I realize people have to do that sometimes to get by so don't take this as a comment on that. Minie was about not having so much more. I didn't need a new car. Didn't need a bigger house. Didn't need more stuff. I wanted to be part of my family's life if I could.

I wanted to teach my kids to be responsible, respectful, well mannered and hopefully have the relationship with my kids that I have with my parents. So far, so good.
Last edited by movieman1957 on July 10th, 2008, 1:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
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cinemalover
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Post by cinemalover »

You all make excellent points about the large number of parents that don't prioritize their kids. The stories are many and usually depressing. I would just like to add a little weight to the other side, and stand up for some of the strong parents out there.

I coach kids sports year-round. I have coached hundreds of kids in the last few years. As anyone who has ever coached children's sports will attest, you're not just coaching the kids, you're also coaching the parents. Many of the kids I work with come from lower income, single parent homes. From my experiences most of the parents I have worked with have been incredibly dedicated to their children. They bring them to practices 2 or 3 times a week and stay and watch their children (which is really important to the kids). They bring them to the games (for soccer this means braving the often torrential downpours that Seattle is famous for). They organize parties for the kids to celebrate the season and they participate in getting trophies to reward the kids. They go out of their way to tell me how much they appreciate the time I spend working with their kids. I know that many of these parents are both financially and time challenged and yet they make it happen for their kids. They talk to their kids and give them positive reinforcement. They don't berate or embarrass them in front of their teammates if they screw up (if they did, they would have a major issue with me). So, in the big picture, this may be a fairly small sample of parents, but I've been very impressed with their time and efforts to ensure that their children have a positive experience. Even divorced parents who aren't on particularly good terms, are often able to temporarily mend their fences to jointly enjoy their offspring's success and enjoyment.
Chris

The only bad movie is no movie at all.
Synnove
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Post by Synnove »

I would just like to add that I understand what you are all saying: my point was not that all parents are wonderful. What I meant to say was, that I think people are shaped by their natural environment, and that that is going to affect how they react to the cyberworld. I said that my parents affect me more than the people who run the websites I browse through. That would probably still be true, even if they were bad parents. Chances are that then I would use the internet completely as a way to escape from them. Who knows?

Still, as I said, it's all individual. Even kids with good parents might make stupid mistakes. I'm certainly aware of that! We're all different.

Anne, I hope it didn't come across that I was insulting your parental skill in anyway. I see the point you are making. I understand that it has been very hard for you to raise your kids and deal with all of those horrible things, and I'm sorry if I said something hurtful to you.
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charliechaplinfan
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Post by charliechaplinfan »

I can't speak for American parents. I can only speak from my own experience. We didn't have children until I was 31. We made a conscious decision to earn as much money as we could and save as much as we could to be able to have children and work part time. I honestly believe that this is the best way to raise kids, for the kids to know the security of their home first and foremost and their parents love and that of their extended family. The two days I work our parents take over, I'm not against childcare for my children, in fact I can see benefits, they are much loved and indulged by their grandparents (I absolutely hate to think what they eat on those 2 days!) but all in all everyone is happy.

I can hold my hand up now and say I would struggle to be at home 24/7 with them. I applaud anyone who can. If it became a choice between working full time or being a full time stay at home Mum, my choce would be to be a stay at home mum.

Anne, I admire you tremendously for bringing up your children single handedly. I can understand the frustration that you feel about parents who want possessions above time with their children. I only wonder what their relationships will be like in years to come.

Sadly the reality here nowadays is that house prices have trebled in ten years, wages haven't gone up anything near as much and many couples have to work full time just to pay their bills. I think this is a dreadful predicament to be in. Many of these parents don't have holidays or expensive cars, they just exist with the children going to grandparents or childcare (which in itself is expensive). Our government thought this was a good way to grow the economy and no financial rein was kept on the banks, mortgages grew to astronomical levels and now we are reaching a period of negative equity, some people are going to be really stuck.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that these people have no choice and what kind of country do I live in which allows prices rises like this without any consideration to our childrens future.

There are of course some parents who would rather have their careers but happily I know only one example.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin
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silentscreen
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Post by silentscreen »

Wow this is an interesting discussion! I agree with most of what Anne says. I too was a single Mom, so I know how tough is is. I take my hat off to you Anne! Single parents don't get the respect they deserve, even from the Christian community in some instances. The very ones that are taught to be chairitable and love thy neighbor as thyself. But I digress.... I only actually experienced that on another website from one person and not so much in my real life.

I may be one of the older posters here. My son just turned 30 and recently married a fine young woman, who was also a single Mom. I'm very proud that he married for love and was not judgemental that she was a divorcee. I can probably relate to her more because she took some hard knocks and is the more mature for it.

We didn't have a computer when he was growing up. But I still had the hard times with the peer pressure and what not. Now he's doing great with a nice home, a good job, a fine family, and thinking of starting up his own business. If you are there for your children, they will eventually turn out okay. "If you raise up a child in the way they should go, they will not depart from it." That is from the Bible, and there is no mention of "only if they are from a two parent family."
Last edited by silentscreen on July 11th, 2008, 10:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
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knitwit45
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Post by knitwit45 »

cinemalover wrote:They don't berate or embarrass them in front of their teammates if they screw up (if they did, they would have a major issue with me).
Chris, I'm sure the parents know the limits, by observing your treatment of their children. You are teaching not only good sportsmanship but also respect for each other, to the kids and to their parents.

This discussion is amazing and eye-opening. I, too, am a single mom who struggled to instill the right values in my two wonderful guys. Some days I came home so tired, dinner was a challenge. We ate a lot of Hamburger Helper, but I think we did ok.

We didn't have a computer or cable TV, but we had a lot of love, and a lot of laughter, with some really great discussions around the table ("What! Hamburger helper again???")

Casey is 38 now, living in Germany and quite successful in his career. Josh, 34,is my homebody, living about 50 miles away, with his own house,
equally successful in his work. I tried to be a good mom, but I also know I was blessed with great kids.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Ollie
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Post by Ollie »

I know I'm trying to make CCFan's internet "bad" for her! And her postal carrier! ha-ha.
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mrsl
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Post by mrsl »

Thanks knit wit:

I'm sure you did fine - all we can do is try, especially if we don't find out until after the kids start coming that we married guys that were nothing like what they pretended to be during dating, or unhappily as some of us were left widows from Nam.

Actually, I finally clued my kids into my fiendishness around the time their own kids were entering teen age. My kids were roped into the teens are people too concept, and although they definitely are, it's much more important they be doubted as children when there is still time to change their ways, than later as adults.

Anne
Anne


***********************************************************************
* * * * * * * * What is past is prologue. * * * * * * * *

]***********************************************************************
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charliechaplinfan
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Post by charliechaplinfan »

I have the utmost respect for single Mum's, you've all done a great job in putting your little guys first and giving them a good grounding to go forward in the world. I know I'm very lucky to have a good husband and a good father for my children.

I'm still at the very cute stage with the kids. For physical affection Libby favours her father, she's such a Daddy's girl. Joe gives me the biggest hugs ever, he squeezes me so tight. Somebody tell me that this won't change :D I realise it will I'm making sure I make the most of my hugs whilst I can.

I come from a generation where it's acceptable to be thirtysomething and be a first time Mum. My own mother was 32 when I was born in the seventies and 37 with my brother, she was the odd one out in the school yard. Now I'm 37 with a 5 year old and a 2 year old in my daughter's school yard I am a little older than the average but not much. I'm very much aware that when my kids are teens I will be 50 and going through the menopause. I hope I will have enough patience and thought to respect their teenage years and not feel too distanced from them.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin
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movieman1957
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Post by movieman1957 »

Anne:

You hit my situation with my daughter with the "teens are people too." She said she wanted parents who support her. In this particular situation this means to agree with whatever decision she makes.

I reminded her that she is still 17 and her mother and I are still responsible for her. Even after she turns 18 I'll still be her father and want what to do what is best for. One, because I see it as the right thing to do. Two, because I love her. Our decisions may not always be what she wants but I hope she will understand.

I remind both my kids that they live in a benevolent dictatorship.
Chris

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
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