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HELP WITH A DILEMMA

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charliechaplinfan
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HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 5th, 2009, 1:51 pm

You guys have always been good to me with advice. Well I'm sat here feeling pretty guilty. It's 2 weeks since the miscarriage and my work keep ringing me up, pressing me for an answer about when I'm coming back to work. At first I thought I'd be up and out there within a couple of days, in fact I went to the gym 2 days after just wanting to forget and get going again. For the past week I've been absolutely shattered to the point of taking the kids to school/nursery and coming back and sleeping on the couch for another hour, that's not me at all. The past 2 days my mother in law has come up trumps and took the kids, it's given me a rest and I'm still shattered. I even saw my doctor, accidentally, on the way to school this morning I asked him about tiredness, he said it takes week to clear and to come in and see him. He knows my past history, I haven't had the best health suffering badly both from glandular fever and ME in the past. Work continue to ring, I just don't know what to say, I feel like I let them down by being pregnant in the first place and they were good when I miscarried but now they want me back and I just feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it, it's eating me up. I feel absolutely pathetic and unable to make up my mind, should I push myself back to work or should I ask for another sick note if this doesn't subside.
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movieman1957
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby movieman1957 » June 5th, 2009, 2:00 pm

Do you usually have to have a doctor's order to stay out? When you saw him did he give you any idea how long you should stay out? Maybe one thing to consider is if you really want to go back. Depression is a hard thing to deal with so it would seem you have to decide what you want to do and then work toward it.

One thing I know (and it wouldn't be directly related to your situation) is that the more you stay out the easier it is to stay out. It is almost like getting out of the habit of doing whatever it is you want to do. You may need something to occupy you. Finding something to keep you busy may help.
Chris

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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby jdb1 » June 5th, 2009, 2:11 pm

But I think there is more to your exhaustion, Alison, than just emotional depression. Consider also that there are probably hormonal imbalances at work right now -- I speak from experience here.

In all likelihood, much of what you are feeling now is, indeed, at least partly physical. If you think that going back to work will help you to override the physical trouble, by all means get back to it. But if you feel so low that the idea of returning to work makes you cry -- you're not ready. You may need some short-term medication. It's not all in your head.

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charliechaplinfan
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 5th, 2009, 2:26 pm

I've asked myself the questions about work, Chris, I do want to return, I really enjoy my work but I do need to be on the ball to do it, I recognise that it will do me good, I've always got a great deal out of working. I don't feel I'm depressed not even about the baby, sad but it was just one of those things. I just feel pressured by them keep ringing, they make me feel like I shouldn't be off work but like you say Judith I feel so tired at times I feel like weeping from exhaustion. I feel that I have had a lack of information from medical staff as to what to expect although I do know that it will take weeks to shed the pregnancy hormones. In myself I feel happy and hopeful.
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby knitwit45 » June 5th, 2009, 2:40 pm

Alison, your body has been through a great deal this past year. Broken bone, flu, tonsillitis ??? and then pregnancy. If, as Judith says, you can cry just thinking about returning, then you're not ready, mentally or physically. Is the person calling you male or female? Sometimes we have to gently explain to males that due to physical problems, we aren't up to 100% yet, and that usually sinks in.

Make a list of all the physical things that have occurred in the past year, and show your doctor (I have to write things down, I can never remember when I'm there) Tell him what you are experiencing, and perhaps he can help with short term meds.

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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 5th, 2009, 2:51 pm

The person is female, she's nice but has no children. I don't blame her it's her boss pushing. Everything is targets these days, they forget it's real people that they push and then give you a bad performance record for being off sick.
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby moira finnie » June 5th, 2009, 3:10 pm

I'm no expert, Alison, but having had two sisters who experienced similar feelings as you have described after their miscarriages, I would definitely consider telling your doctor about how you are feeling mentally and physically.

I would ask the doctor if there is a possibility that you have a reactive depression from these recent events, and also ask if your symptoms might be evaluated using the Edinburgh Scale (which is often used to evaluate postpartum depression but may be used for miscarriages as well) and possibly taking some blood tests to ensure that you do not have anemia, which can also seriously affect your energy level and ability to focus. It's possible that some short term cognitive therapy and/or medications might help you get back to being yourself, along with the healing power of time.

Would it be possible to go back to work one or two days a week, allowing you more time to get back to fighting trim without feeling overwhelmed? Btw, please don't feel guilty about work. I know every family needs as much income as they can, but they need you more and even though it is a cliche now, at the end of the day in one's life, no one ever thought "I should have spent more time at work" as they faced eternity. Conscientious people such as yourself always feel guilty about work, but you owe yourself something first, so that you can have something to give others. Think of this period as building up your reserves again.

And thank you very much for trusting us enough to ask for some help. I wish you well. And again, I'm no expert, just a concerned observer.
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Synnove
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby Synnove » June 5th, 2009, 3:20 pm

Alison, I can't really add to the advice here but it seems to me that you should talk more to your doctor at least, and be clear on how your body is doing and what you could do to remedy it. Keeping occupied is also a good thing, so that you can keep up the urge to be occupied, as movieman says, even if it's not work. It sounds like it's too early for you to go to work to me. If you go to work exhausted I don't think it would help anyone, not them and not yourself. I hope you will take care.

jdb1

Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby jdb1 » June 5th, 2009, 3:23 pm

I can see a problem with this person at work: if she has not had the pregnancy experience (we can't assume she hasn't, but it sounds like not), she probably does not realize the extent of your trouble.

I think you will have to be polite but firm, and emphasize that this wasn't just the sniffles, or a menstrual cramp for that matter, it was a traumatic event both physically and emotionally. (I suppose you'll have to play down the emotional part.)

Moira's suggestions seem very sensible to me, Alison. As you did have the misfortune to miscarry, perhaps whatever caused that is still at work in your body. You need more testing to investigate the possibily of anemia, infection, and anything else you can convince your doctor to test for. I let myself be pressured into going back to work only 48 hours after my second miscarriage (and that's 48 hours after the event, not after coming out of the short hospital visit), and I regretted it. The fact that I returned seem to give my unmarried, childless supervisor license to pile more and more work on me, as thought I had somehow transgressed, and I was in no condition to handle it. I didn't really feel like myself until weeks later, and I never gave myself enough time to get over it.

I understand that everyone is now fearful of losing their jobs, but I don't think there's any job on Earth that is worth compromising one's health. If you feel you are being harassed now, do you have an avenue for complaint? Maybe just the hint of a suggestion of a complaint in the ear of your employer might help.

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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 5th, 2009, 5:21 pm

My manager has never had a baby or been pregnant to my knowledge nor do I think she ever has the desire to be, this I know from what she has told me.

As it is I do only work two days a week and I love it. It gives me chance to associate with adults instead of running around with a high spirited, never tired three year old. Also with this is my parents, my in laws have been much better. My parents were great when it happened and took the kids whilst I went into hospital so I could have Chris with me. They do not want to have my children very much because they find them a chore, this pains me because they shouldn't be a chore they should be an absolute delight. I'm not the kind of Mum who isn't around for her kids, 5 days a week I'm here, my parents have them one day whilst I work. So I've turned to my parents this week to try and get a rest and renew myself but they always have something else on although it's never pressing. Hubby's parents, thank heavens love having them. Hubby reminded me the other night that I have never spent a night away from my youngest and the only night I had away from my daughter was the ones when I was in hospital after Joe. Another example is that Joe is car mad and my parents got a new car a week ago, Joe is desperate to sit in that car and be taken for a drive and rings them but they've not come for him but Mum won't tell him no, she gets him to give me the phone to tell him. I suppose it's a bit of a mess.

I think I'm going to book another appointment with my doctor (it will be 3 weeks before I can be seen) and make a diary or take notes to keep him up to date with how I'm feeling. There does seem to be a lack of information and I've found out by asking around others that it has happened to that physically this is perfectly normal, it seems to take 6 weeks. Oh boy. My body is still swollen, so there's further evidence for the pregnancy hormone still being around.

Judith, I know you speak from experience and you shouldn;t have been piled with work 48 hours after, you should have been resting. Perhaps this comes back to some of the mystery surrounding things like miscarriage. For the first week I was physically super, it's not something discussed here unless you find someone else who has suffered.

Many thanks for listening, it's rather late here and perhaps a little more has come out than I originally thought about but I always think it's better to express feelings and that way it's easier to understand and deal with them. I really do apprecaite all your help.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin

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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby mrsl » June 5th, 2009, 6:20 pm

CCFan:

You've gotten some good advice here and I hope you read all of it thoughtfully and give it all second thoughts. The only thing I can add is when you do get to the doctors, if he still advises you to get out and you're still not feeling 100%, then it's time for a second opinion. It may even be time right now since you have to wait for 3 more weeks, that's a long time to be depressed and unhappy, not to mention getting more and more lax in your self drive.

Anne
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby silentscreen » June 5th, 2009, 6:29 pm

Alison,
I really don't know what to add to what everyone else has said as it's all good advice. But I do think you need to see someone before three weeks if you possibly can! I know you've been ill a lot this year even before the pregnancy and miscarriage. I think it's time for a complete and thorough exam. Maybe see an internist. If you can eliminate the physical, you can look at other causes for the way you're feeling. I know I've been so depressed in the past that even brushing my hair was a chore! That was the first of two times in my life that I've taken anti depressants, and both times I snapped back to myself. The second time was far more serious and I was on them for a year. As I began to feel better, I gradually took myself off of them. But eliminate the physical first would be my advice. You'll figure it out! :)
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charliechaplinfan
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 6th, 2009, 4:24 am

I think I have one of the answers, I've woken this morning with tonsillitis, hence the tiredness.

Some more bad news, Freddie my cat is going to die in the next couple of months. He's 16, it just feels more than I can bear at the moment.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin

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charliechaplinfan
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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby charliechaplinfan » June 6th, 2009, 8:09 am

I've had a good cry about the cat. He's still happy and content but his kidneys are failing, it's not a surprise to us, poor cat. It feels like the end of an era, we've lived here for 13 years since we first got together, we got Fred soon after, now we are moving in the next few weeks. It looks like he'll probably make it to the new house and take his long rest in our garden. We'll keep him and look after him until the time when he doesn't purr or enjoy his life anymore.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself - Charlie Chaplin

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Re: HELP WITH A DILEMMA

Postby Birdy » June 6th, 2009, 8:28 am

Oh, dear God, I can't believe it about your cat. I lost my 19 year old cat last fall and her litter mate the year before. My grief was indescribable because those cats were the answer to the worst grief I ever felt and losing them was terrible. I pray for your strength and and maybe the grief will actually be healing for you.

I, like others here, am concerned about the 3 week week for the doctor. How did you get the tonsilitis diagnosed? Did that (or could it) get you in the door of a doctor more quickly? DO NOT return to work until you are ready. You are clearly a sensible woman and are not using this as an excuse. Who cares what those people think. Keep going to doctors until you get an excused absence (if you need one on paper). Tell work you will speak to them x number of times per week (2? 1?) and will not be back to full schedule for at least x weeks, pending evaluation. Let the machine get the phone and put it on silent if you have to.

You absolutely have to make this investment in yourself and your family. You do not want to pay the price, whether it is your health (physical and mental) now or later. You will pay, your family will pay and it will be worth nothing. Do what you feel like, listen to your body and your heart. I would have suggested you try to work a teeny bit, in order to get out and about, but with the tonsilitis I don't recommend it. Just try to heal. You still have a move ahead of you and that is hard work, no matter who you hire or how much help you have.

My new years resolution, 'There's only us, There's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other day but today.:"
(Jonathan Larson)
Sent in kindness with prayers,
Birdy


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