The Advice Column

[MissGoddess]

Peanut or Peanut butter in anythign but a cookie or a PBJ sandwich is something I am still getting used to. I'll never forget the first time I tried an Asian dish with peanut sauce. Fortunately, it was spicy so I liked it okay. I have also had it Ecuadorian style which I also liked but it's still a flavor I am "acquiring".

I am getting better about pairing "sweet" (fruits) with "savory", something I used to loathe.

I only tried ricecakes once...I'm not sure if I was able to swallow it.

[ChiO]

Okay...'fess up. Just who is buying and eating rice cakes? And why?

[MissGoddess]

I can tell you that a couple of ladies in my office bring them in and snack on them. But no one is asking them to share!

[movieman1957]

They make fine coasters.

[rohanaka]

Kathy ( "Rohanaka" ) ought to see the turn this thread is taking. Ha![/quote]

Indeed, Miss Maven.. it has been a while since I have had a chance to pop in here..and thanks to Miss G pointing me in the right direction.. this is a LOVELY find. Great idea for a thread Ms. CCFan. (and ps.. hello to you.. it's been a while.)

Oh me, though.. I am too late to the party to catch up on all but will look forward to reading through all of it later...

But did want to say.. regarding the book issue.. polite but honest has always worked best for me. If you feel a book is inappropriate.. it is ok to say so.. (but again.. polite is the way to go) I have the same reaction to "off color" conversation sometimes. If the topic gets too racy for me, I just smile and say.. "Well, that's my cue.. time to take my lily white pristine ears to greener pastures" and then I laugh it off.. and most folks either take the hint.. or at least they understand why I end up going to "greener pastures" ha. (because I have been known to do that.. if the conversation continues)

Anyway... I guess what I am saying is.. I think there is a way to express that the subject matter is not one to your liking.. without seeming like you are being judgmental.. but I do confess it can be a fine line.. so again.. a polite "thanks, but no thanks" is usually the way to go.

Oh.. and I love all the grilled veggie tips.. Miss G.. did not see if you or someone else mentioned it or not.. have you tried "indoor" grilling?? It is not THE same as grilling outdoors.. but it IS an alternative. (there are several good stove top methods.. but also those little "mini" electric ones are not bad too.. depending on what it is you are wanting to do.) this is likely not as "fine dining" as some of the recipes and cooking suggestions I am seeing here.. but every now and then I do love a nice grilled chicken breast on my little "George Foreman" thingie. ha. (especially in the winter when it is too snowy to go outside.. OR like right now.. when it is too HOT (at least for me anyway) ha. It is much faster and easier than the outdoor grill.. and though I have not tried it.. I bet you could do some veggies on it too.. depending on which ones you try.

[charliechaplinfan]

Life is too short and there are too many books that I want to read to bother with Fifty Shades of Grey and companions.

We love extra virgin olive oil, we squeezed as much as we could into our suitcases when we went to Italy, you really can tell the difference. I'd rather have a good bottle of extra vrigin olive oil than a good bottle of wine.

I have chronic fatigue symdrome and I really need my proteins, cheese, eggs and red meat particularly. I also have chronic low blood pressure that doesn't help the chronic fatigue syndrome but is unrelated to it. I've had it now for 18 months, I don't work but I have enough energy to look after the children who are 7 and 10, there's no cure apart from rest but who can rest with two noisy live wires in the house and who wants to rest all the time. If it were just me I'd probably have recovered but the specialists have told me that parents with young children can take years. I can only thank God that I'm well enough with it not to impact on the kids too much.

Now for the advice, I just can't say no, to anyone, even when it's not the best thing for me. With chronic fatigue syndrome you look well, there's nothing obvious that shows in your face. The kids are at the age that they like to have friends over but the friends are invariably in my house rather than in their parent's houses because I'm here and I shrug and think what's one or two children more, then I turn around and there's ten neighbourhood children in my garden. I seem to have been volunteered by our community management team as a nice person to collate the neighbourhoods problems, which amount no more than a few retired residents who moved on here instead of a retirement community and complain if the kids play outside their house but they won't give up and they're round here all the time. Anyway, Chris has put his foot down on this, knowing I'm incapable, he'll be rude if he has to. The kids volunteer me at school then I haven't the heart to turn them down. I'm the stop for any child who is thirsty or needs cleaning up and I do like kids, I am my own worst enemy. Then Chris arranges for us to go to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and I can't say no, knowing this will take me days to get over because the kids don't want to go without me or else they won't enjoy it. So I put them first knowing that it has me at a disadvantage but I'm incapable of saying no. Same as with the books, when I try to toughen up and say Mum can't do this, I get talked around, either by guilt or by being accused of ruining something for the kids. So 18 months on I still have all the full blown symptoms, I can't work but I can't ever see myself putting myself before the kids, it just doesn't happen unless the symptoms are more extreme and it's obvious to Chris and the kids that Mum literally is on her knees.

[Sue Sue Applegate]

Allison, I am a single Mom with a 21-year-old in college. But at one time I was supporting my 80-year-old mother, my sister, and myself. I found that if I didn't feed the lioness and take care of her needs, I couldn't help the cubs.

It is so hard to say no when the guilt of not being 100 percent there for my son would creep into my consciousness, sometimes in the guise of my mother's voice, or my own. But the way the events resolved themselves is that my son said he never felt neglected, and he told me this about a month ago.

Chronic fatigue syndrome is something that is difficult to treat, difficult to live with, and difficult to explain to others if they don't understand it. And it's not your responsibility to make everyone understand your condition. Taking care of yourself is the only way you can take care of others. And when my mother was ill, the good old SSO (and TCM City)helped me stay sane, talk about films that were important to me, read comments from other like-minded individuals, and focus on a little of my needs to express myself and learn about one of my passions. Lynn's, Moira's, Fernando's, Klondike's, Dewey's and Chris' posts were informative, compassionate, and gave me focus back during the difficult years.

Feed the lioness and she will take care of the cubs....

[charliechaplinfan]

Bless you Christy, I know there is truth in what you say, as a single mother you have all my respect, there's two of us but even when I was well, we'd sometimes be tearing our hair out.

Where is it in the guide to mothering that says that a mother will see to all others first? My Mum has been in hospital and I've been taking food to her, she's had her second hip replacement in a year, thankfully she's got my Dad, bless him. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably lose my job, they've kept it open for 18 months, I've worked there for 25 years and although I'd never have called it a career, it's always been just a job it was a source of independence to me, a bit of money that I put into the pot. Chris doesn't resent having to provide but I don't feel worthy to take. I felt exactly the same when I took a career break when I had Joe, I wouldn't spend a penny on myself because I hadn't earned it. Raising children and keeping house isn't something in my heart that I should be paid for even though I wouldn't be complained at for spending money on myself, I wouldn't spend it unless Chris was there to give his approval. And me an enlightened woman and although I wouldn't say feminist I do stand up for equal rights. If my job goes I will be downhearted, I've done nothing else from leaving school and with a period of sickness like this hanging over me I don't know who would want me. That's how I feel when I wake in the middle of the night, not how I feel generally, I'm usually positive.

And you guys have kept me sane. The one thing I can manage is to watch movies and I just love coming here to discuss them with such generous people.

[Sue Sue Applegate]

I always deal with the problem at hand, and try to keep maintaining the status quo. Being a workaholic, I always felt my self-esteem rise and fall with my paycheck and my evaluations. But luckily, I've gotten away from that!

I am happy that I was able to travel some with my son, he was always well-fed, clean, and had clean clothes, and plenty of his favorite books and video games and dvds. I found a great deal of peace in the thought that I was only one gal...and one gal can only do so much.

[JackFavell]

I truly feel for you Alison! I wish I could help in some way. I can't really give any advice, but I can commiserate...

[charliechaplinfan]

You're both kind. I try to take heart from the fact that it enables me to be home full time and be completely devoted to the kids. Last weekend we had such a crisis because Libby was being bullied and I spent lots of time with her on her self esteem and on how to deal with bullies. We've all been there but it's a tough lesson to learn the first time.

Christy, you can see now looking back that you spent your time in the right way and however difficult it might have been your son does not feel that way, he has the fondest memories. It sounds like you have a brilliant rapport too.

[Sue Sue Applegate]

I try. You are so lucky that you can stay home. I always had to work when Coleman was small. His Dad checked out emotionally early on, but I didn't decide to divorce him until Coleman was 3.

You have many blessings!

[charliechaplinfan]

Thank you, it is a blessing being here with them, I think that's why I get so many kids at the door because I am here and I let them in. On the plus side my kids have had to get used to doing some chores which isn't a bad thing. If I hadn't have been ill I don't think it wolud have occured to me that they could unpack the dishwasher, set or clear the table or put the laundry in the basket.

I refuse to get too downhearted, I won't join a CFS forum, I don't know why, perhaps I'm afraid of knowing how bad it is for some people. It is possible to get better, it's just hard with kids. I don't need any depression medication which many with the condition do need and I think this is partly due to having the kids, one can't be bored when there is a child or children to look after.

Don't I run on? to finish on a silly note, mornings are not my forte with this illness, I can't solve the simplest of problems and it is a case of going through the motions. Yesterday Joe decided to use his bicycle padlock to padlock the cutlery drawer to the cupboard were the plates and bowls are kept, he had no idea where the key was for his lock and I had no idea how to get breakfast ready. Only a boy would do this, I was rescued when Chris returned home and had the spare key. I laugh about it now but breakfast time yesterday did not see me at my best.

[JackFavell]

I'm so sorry to hear about the bullying! I hope Libby is OK. You did right talking it over with her and dealing with it right away.

Alice had two incidents, one in first grade with a girl in her class, and one in second grade with some older boys on the bus.

With the girl in Alice's class, Alice and I went through every possible scenario that could happen if Alice stood up to her. I played the little girl, and I told Alice what to say in each case. We practiced over and over. She went to school and dealt with the girl and was amazed that it worked. Alice became very confident at this point and though I wouldn't say it was pleasant to find it happening already in 1st grade, she learned a great life lesson. Some people just need to be dealt with in a strong manner.

We were lucky that it had to do with the two of them being friends - Alice had not realized that SHE was in the power position in the relationship. This little girl was telling her that she couldn't be friends with anyone else, and I helped Alice to realize that the little girl needed Alice more than Alice needed the little girl. Alice told P (the little girl) that she had been friends with the others in class for a long time, and that if P wanted to play with them all together, she could, but that Alice would not exclude her other friends for P. Everything worked out. Unfortunately, P picked another girl to bully, and 6 years later, that girl can't get away from her, doesn't have other friends and is put through the ringer because of her choice. Alice had a lucky escape.

As for the bus incident, we were fortunate that the bus driver was pro-active about the situation. She told the older boys they were not allowed to ride the bus anymore, and she told the school that she would quit if they ever let one of them on again. Alice had no more problems with those boys but we were very anxious for weeks afterwards.

[CineMaven]

Where is it in the guide to mothering that says that a mother will see to all others first? ...And you guys have kept me sane. The one thing I can manage is to watch movies and I just love coming here to discuss them with such generous people.

I've never been a Mother. I glanced at The Guide to Mothering" book you refer to, and saw that it was too hard a job so I never "applied" and opted to fritter my life away at the movies. In thumbing through the manual, I did see in very small print that all others do come first for Moms. BUT after others are squared away, there is MOMMY TIME you must set aside for you to rejuvenate those juices. ( Daddies must help out too, even if they have a full-time job. ) For the sake of brevity, the only advice I can offer you here in your advice column is what flight attendants say on airplanes: put your oxygen mask on first, so you can help your family.

More detailed advice to follow...