The Advice Column

[charliechaplinfan]

Bless you Theresa, you might only have glanced at the manual but you are right with the advice. Heck, I am ill but it's not life threatening just annoying and there's no known cure and I'm a girl not known for her patience but I realise that a skill I could use is the ability to say no and not to feel guilty about it afterwards.

The bully in Libby's class is amazing in her ability to manipulate so many girls into doing exactly what she wants, only Libby can see that and has told over her for bullying on previous occasions. The problem has arisen that she has systematically picked off different girls and bullied them to the point that they were wetting their bed or terrified of going to school and now rather than risk being bullied they tend to be sidekicks when this nasty piece of work decides to pick on someone. Libby sits on a table with this girl and 4 other girls, it's the clever table only Libby is working three years beyond what she should (she doesn't get it from me although I'm no slouch, Chris's family tend to be boffins but with absolutely no common sense) so the problem is jealousy on behalf of the other girls but Libby is so serious and would use humour to deflect, she just soaks it all in. It took all weekend to straighten her out, an awful lot of talking and going through all situations like you describe Wendy with me playing the girls. Once school had got involved she was much happier and so was I because Libby is epiletic and I was very frightened that the stress would trigger an attack.

The bully is the most angelic looking kid in the class and the mother refuses to belive anything bad about her child and says it's her child who is bullied. It's so difficult to know what to say when your child is in such a state.

[Sue Sue Applegate]

When my son was younger, he had all sorts of learning issues, and problems. And there were plenty of bullies, even though he was taller than most students, they would try to trick him into all sorts of fights and bad behavior.

But we had lots of chats about his situations. I would try to steer him in a direction that I felt safest for him, but I could never claim or reveal that we were having a discussion about his troubles, or he would never engage in a conversation.

Ultimately, I would do the most I could for him, and I found that there came a point that I would have to let go of the problem, and trust him enought to handle it in the best way that he could. It liberated me once I knew I had emotionally prepared him for a situation, and then it freed me from worry when I knew that the rest was up to him to grapple with.

Loved Maven's homily about the stewardess Put your mask on first!

[charliechaplinfan]

I'm sorry your son was bullied but it sounds like you did everything right and knew when to let go. Don't they say that the things that don't kill us only make us stronger, I'm hoping that all these nasty experiences children have to go through are examples of this.

[JackFavell]

Christy is right. you teach them the skills to get along, then let go and hope and pray that they are able to use them. I think one of my proudest moments was when she came home from school a few weeks after her confrontation with P and told me "Don't worry, mom. She doesn't scare me anymore. I can handle her."

Isn't it the truth about the sweetest looking ones being the little terrors? We have another one in Alice's class this year who will be sweet to all the grownups, or to another girls face, and then be so awful behind their backs. She gets away with murder.

I've discovered though, that the parents who tell stories about the kids in Alice's class are so deluded, I don't trust them anymore. I've asked Alice about some of the "big deals" at school that other parents have told me about, and come to find out, the parents have got the whole story wrong almost every time. Sometimes they even come to me telling me about how Alice had this or that happen, and it just isn't true. Kind of like that game we used to play as kids - the one called telephone, where someone whispers a sentence in your ear, and by the time it passes around the circle of ten kids it comes out a completely different sentence? I am learning to take parental gossip with a grain of salt.

[rohanaka]

I am learning to take parental gossip with a grain of salt.

Jackie.. you are so right. Parents really can be quite deluded sometimes and I have found that it really is silly the way people just "go" with whatever version their kids tell them about stuff at school. And it may not even be a result of lying when a parent hears the wrong version of a story.. because kids can be VERY subjective when they talk about their day (especially if there was a moment of "drama" attached to it). Don't get me wrong, I think it is important to believe and trust your child..especially in times when they are stuggling or having a difficult experience at school. But I think very often a lot of the problems with that whole "parental gossip" issue tend to occur because the parents don't really have the WHOLE story.. just their kid's side of it.. and then as they talk back and forth with other parents.. that is the story that gets related.. and pretty soon, it doesn't even MATTER what really happened.. it just ends up being one kid's version of it. And then because the parents stay worked up (about what they THINK happened to their child) the kids stay worked up too.. and hard feelings often come into play. And that is a shame, because again, it is good to keep in mind that kids are pretty subjective.. especially when they are hurt, angry, or upset. They need help in "sorting out" the facts from their opinions when they relate certain topics and events. And I have found that when the kidling (age 9) comes home all "worked up" about an incident at school.. if we sit down and talk it out.. we can usually get to what REALLY happened and not what she THINKS about it.. and then we can talk it over. Obviously.. this won't always work for every situation.. (and it is ALWAYS good to get the teacher's version of the story too) because.. yes.. some kids really are mean.. and just don't want to get along and there may be a LOT more to any story. Of course, the bottom line is.. you want to support your child. But often times, at least at our house, I have found I can help the kidling head off the frustrations and hard feelings she might be having from some confrontation she had at school, if I just help her try to look at the issue.. and her classmates... more objectively before we talk about how she can resolve things. It seems to work for us.

CCfan.. I am sorry to hear about your CFS issues. I know that it can be a very difficult struggle to care for others when you are the one who needs to be cared for.. and yet it is never easy to put yourself ahead of the ones you love the most. But you've gotten some good advice here.. you DO have to take good care of yourself if you are going to be able to care for everyone else. Take some moments to rest up and recover whenever you can.. look for them wherever you can find them.. and take full advantage of them when you do. And that may mean that ONE day you tell the neighborhood kids that they'll have to come back another time because today your children are having a "stay inside" day.. and they can play quietly in their rooms that day. And maybe ONE day the dishes don't always get done on time.. or the beds don't get made. And yes.. that CAN be a slippery sloap.. ha.. because the longer things pile up.. the longer it takes to unpile them.. but giving yourself a day off now and then surely won't do you any harm, and MAY well do you a world of good. Sometimes R&R needs a THIRD "R" added to it... Rest, Relaxation.. and Recover.. and it really can be the best medicine.

[charliechaplinfan]

Thank you Rohanka, we have 9 year olds in common, mine turns 10 pretty soon. It's so true what you say and I'm trying to train my brain to take this thinking as it's normal default pattern, easier said than done but I am determined.

Parents, they're probably worse than the kids. The child we have a problem with has a really unplesant mother and bless my daughter for worrying me and not wanting to create tensions with the mother, who scares her. The mother tries to split groups and factions and thanks to facebook I think she'll probably alienated some, certainly she doesn't talk to me because my kids have told on hers three times and three times her daughter has been dragged into the head. Now we're a few years into school I think I'm a reasonable judge as to what to divulge to which parents, there's only a couple I'd speak plainly to, the others belonging to facebook and would circulate gossip.

Re facebook, it had to be given out on the school newsletter that negative comments regarding the school's staff are not acceptable at any times. What kind of person airs their grievances so publicly?

[rohanaka]

we have 9 year olds in common, mine turns 10 pretty soon

I remember that now.. mine will be 10 after the first of the year.. where DOES the time go????

Parents, they're probably worse than the kids

They really can be sometimes. I wonder if it has always been that way.. or if it is just a trend we are seeing more and more. I don't recall my folks getting so caught up in our day to day "situations" like that when I was a kid.. but then.. I don't recall there being that many situations either. I think the more "reality" shows and talk shows we see in society.. the more tendency we are seeing for people to want to do "drama" as a way of life.. it seems that way to me. I often call it the Jerry Springer Show Syndrome. ha. (don't know if you folks know of him on your side of the pond.. but over here he's known for.. well.. lets just say.. his TV talk show skill of inciting little "mini-riots" between different people (families and friends usually) because he liked to invite them on his show to air their "dirty laundry' for all America to see) I don't think it is even on anymore.. but I used to always think of that show as a good excuse to turn off the tv and go do something else. ha. But nowdays.. everywhere I look.. it seems like people are living a Jerry Springer Show LIFE... and no matter what I do.. I can't find the remote control to turn off the tv. ha.

But I digress..

It is maddening though, (and now easier than ever, alas) to see parents get so petty and backbiting as to air their grievances (real or imagined) on Facebook, etc.It doesn't suprise me a bit that the schools have to be involved to ask parents to "tone it down". No wonder some of the kids at school don't know how to just "play nice" and be friends.. I am sorry to hear your daughter has had to go through all that mess.

[moira finnie]

I think you're right about the "daily drama" injected into every nook and cranny of many people's lives as a result of the all-pervasive media. I have a neighbor who is never without her cell phone glued to her ear as she regales a friend (and any neighbor who happens to be watering her flowers) with the latest emotional upheaval in her ongoing roller coaster relationship with her significant other. I don't want to know about any of it, but I can't avoid hearing it daily. I have asked her to please tone it down, [esp. since every other word is an Anglo-Saxonism] but she looks at me like I am from another planet. I guess I'm repressed or something, but I think it must be exhausting to be her. Like my movie-hating sis says: "Maybe she was raised by wolves."

Yeah, wolves with cell phones.

[JackFavell]

Hey, Ro!

I am quite sure you are right, this media thing is ridiculously out of control. I teach a little class to first graders, and am starting to see entire classes who have cell phones, ipods, tablets, etc. What the heck does a 6 year old need a cell phone for????? Not to mention it's unhealthy. I only JUST got Alice one, and she's the last of her class to have one. She is to use it if she has to stay over at school for a practice or for emergencies. I wouldn't even have gotten it for her at 11 except we've had a couple of issues with school talent show rehearsals or after school events. Now there aren't phones open for use at the school, because every one thinks that you have a cell to use.

I hear so many parents complaining but then they end up caving in to their kids at an early age. And if the moms and dads can't get off their cells for two seconds, or act like human beings to the teachers and staff or people anywhere they are, then how will their kids know how to act like humans? I take what my daughter says with a grain of salt too, but I'd sooner believe her than someone who doesn't know that it isn't right to diss a teacher on Facebook. This is why I haven't ever gotten on Facebook or any of that stuff before. According to the couple of friends I trust who are moms, the amount of idiocy going on there is huge.

[CineMaven]

The bully in Libby's class is amazing in her ability to manipulate so many girls into doing exactly what she wants, only Libby can see that and has told over her for bullying on previous occasions. The problem has arisen that she has systematically picked off different girls and bullied them to the point that they were wetting their bed or terrified of going to school and now rather than risk being bullied they tend to be sidekicks when this nasty piece of work decides to pick on someone.

Isn't it the truth about the sweetest looking ones being the little terrors? We have another one in Alice's class this year who will be sweet to all the grownups, or to another girls face, and then be so awful behind their backs. She gets away with murder.

Flattery will get you a...

Ladies, I think you are doing a fantastic job guiding and raising these future young women. Believe me, it all doesn't end in the classroom, cafeteria and school bus. There's the board room...and the supermarket...and the barracks...and Congress...and the Supreme Court...and the U.N. And the parents that raise bullies...they will not escape.

Everyone should be mindful of getting the self-respect they deserve.

[youtube][/youtube]

[RedRiver]

Crosby, Stills and Nash addressed this situation well.

entire classes who have cell phones

I go for days without even using mine. When I run out of minutes, I think, "OK. I'll get some more when I think of it."

[MissGoddess]

i often forget and my cell phone's battery dies and it's off for hours before i notice. it can take me days to reply to a "text" (i don't like texting).

[charliechaplinfan]

That film does remind me of the girl in Libby's class, right down to the braids, now I will know what to picture each time I see her.

My mother insisted I got a cell phone some years ago, she bought it for me and then complained that I never used it, I didn't want it in the first time. Ironically I only got to using it when it came to arranging the children's social lives, if they were at parties it was a number for parents to contact or if I want to invite a child over that's how it's arranged. I can cope with texting, as long as it doesn't get out of control but I wolud never interrupt a conversation I was having to answer a text. I don't surf the internet on it but the thing downloads my emails too. It is intrusive but whilst the kids are small I can't leave it behind. I fully understand anyone who doesn't live with theirs 24/7.

I do know Jerry Springer, his show was brought over here and initally it was amusing, for about 10 minutes now we have our own brand It's awful, it's trashy and Moira I'm so glad I don't have your neighbour.

Going back to 50 Shades of Grey, one of the headlines on our news tonight is that someone is rewriting Jane Austen's books as erotic literature Heaven forbid, is nothing sacred.

[moira finnie]

Moira I'm so glad I don't have your neighbour.

Hey, if anyone has any tips on handling this gal, let me know, will you? I only mentioned the most frequent issue, not the worst of it by far, which is screaming blue murder at her live-in boyfriend and throwing things while stomping up the stairs . I suggested anger management classes or taking a walk one time as a stress reliever, but got that "Huh?" look from her like I was an alien. I am thinking of mentioning to our mutual landlord that there are some emotional problems at this address since we share a common wall, but don't want to cause a brouhaha. Besides, there is a very cute, apparently well-cared for two year old toddler in the household. I don't think this is a good atmosphere for him though she does dote on the child. I'm sure she is very stressed out, but what can I do? I did offer to watch the baby while she cooled off one time, but was refused. I honestly don't want to know as much about her private life as I do, but it is inescapable.

I've lived in some real dives since leaving home at 18, but have never had a problem this persistent with a neighbor. This is an okay middle class neighborhood and most of our neighbors get along fine, looking out for one another and helping each other out. This has me a bit flummoxed, to be honest. The best I can do is generally avoid her but that means that I don't spend as much time outdoors and I like to garden and putter around when I feel as though I can do it.

[charliechaplinfan]

It is a difficult one Moira, she sounds so self absorbed, I don't suppose she's the type to ask after you? Is she the kind of neighbour who would offer to get some groceries if the weather was really bad? Or help dig you out if the snow has fallen heavily? If you had troubles would she listen to yours or would your arm have to be hanging off before she'd notice? She's obviously a noise menace, have you ever tried raising the level of your TV or music when the child is going to bed? Perhaps this will make her appreciate how thin the walls are. It's not worth provoking her because she might just thrive off conflict. Have you tried listening to music when you're out gardening? Even if you don't switch your music on she might walk past you without disturbing you.

I'll give it more thought. My neighbour might buy me 50 Shades of Grey but she's a star, I couldn't ask for better. On this estate which is rather small there is a good community feeling that comes from having small children, Joe of course being the perfect ice breaker.