Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[knitwit45]

Gosh, the jokes and silly stuff have been piling up for the last few days...here's something that landed on my desk this morning....

PRICELESS

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this . For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE



1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.
She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late For the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"


Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."


As Klonnie recently pointed out to me rather delicately, I have posted some things more than once, and if this is a double post, I'm sorry. But, as I pointed out to Klonnie, again rather delicately........who cares??? I've slept since then, and I DO wake up to a brand new day every day..and we all need to laugh, now more than ever.

[knitwit45]

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All20other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

[knitwit45]

On the Hollywood Squares show, Vincent Price was asked to name the different ways to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. His answer was "20 bucks and a pineapple".

I'll forgo the pineapple, and you can fax me the 20 for the answers to the quiz....

[Birdy]

Okay, Nancy, I've been stuck on a couple of these for a week and am too embarrassed to admit which ones.
Are you going to post the answers, or what!!
(I've got no spare 20 or pineapple - will a granola bar and a Coke do?

B

[Birdy]

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
During the party, someone said to the man, "I've noticed you call you wife honey, sweetheart and darling. You must still be in love after all these years."
"Not really," said the man. "I forgot her name 10 years ago."

[klondike]

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
During the party, someone said to the man, "I've noticed you call you wife honey, sweetheart and darling. You must still be in love after all these years."
"Not really," said the man. "I forgot her name 10 years ago."

Mrs. K claims to suffer from the same affliction on occasion . . but the names she chooses for me are usually quite a bit more colorful . .

[knitwit45]

Geez! no pineapple? oh well......



Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backwards. Niagara Falls(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3.. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? ...
It grew inside the bottle.(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, the y are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with '... Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ..... Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh... Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' ... Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

[klondike]

Geez! no pineapple? oh well......


6. Three English words beginning with '... Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

From the Merriam Webster On-Line Dictionary:

Main Entry: dweeb
Pronunciation: \ˈdwēb\
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1964
slang : an unattractive, insignificant, or inept person

[knitwit45]

who you callin dweeb, fella?????

[klondike]

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.

Q. What happens?

A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters.

[knitwit45]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


Men . . .

[knitwit45]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

[klondike]

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper, who walks up & taps on the window with his nightstick.
When the driver rolls down the window, the trooper smacks him up-aside the head with the stick.
Rubbing his bruised temple, the driver says, “Hey, why’d you do that?"; the trooper replied, “You’re in Texas, son - when I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready!”
Passing over his license, the driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs the guy’s license, finds he’s clean, and returns it to him. Then, walking around to the passenger side, he taps on the window; as soon as passenger rolls his window down, the trooper smacks him in the mouth with the nightstick.
Spitting a bit of blood, the passenger hisses meekly, “Damn . . what’d you do that for?”
The cop replies, “Just making your wishes come true.”
Eyes tearing, the passenger mumbles, “What . . ?”
Smiling broadly, the cop explains, “I just knew that two miles down the road, you were gonna say: 'I wish that sucker would’ve tried that stuff with me!' "

[knitwit45]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded
him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with
this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let
him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[knitwit45]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.


The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies