Sailor walks into a bar . . .

[ChiO]

I don't get it.

But I soon will when Daughter #1, who is 7-1/2 months along, presents us with the newest Pisces. Or, as Mrs. ChiO says, I'll finally have the official status to go along with already being old, crotchety and crabby.

[knitwit45]

OK, Grumps, er Gramps, keep us posted!!!!!!

[ChiO]

Ok...and in the meantime, a popular one making the rounds in my adopted family:

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Greek restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Greece?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Greek Jews?" The waiter said, "Aronno, I ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No ser, no Greek Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with xenoi [foreigners] gave the expected answer, "I check again," and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Greece , our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "The head cook say there is no Greek Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Greek Jews!"

"I ask EVERYONE," replied the waiter. 'All we have is Orange Jews, Apple Jews and Tomato Jews! NO GREEK JEWS...."

[knitwit45]

Words to live by:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain -

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns -

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere..
- Billy Crystal -

And

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[knitwit45]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
\
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says..


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.

[movieman1957]

It made me think of Kevin.

An 85 year old man is out fishing. At some point he hears a voice that says "Excuse me, sir." He doesn't respond as he knows he is alone. A minute later he gets the same "Excuse me, sir." He turns around and asks who was there. The voice responds "Down here." He looks to see it is a frog. He picks it up. The frog says "If you kiss me I will become a beautiful bride all for you." The old man doesn't say anything. The frog says "Didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me I will become a beautiful bride all for you. The man says "Oh, I heard you but at this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog."

[rohanaka]

A man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. Another man next to him says, "Hey buddy, I bet you $50 I can go over to that window, climb outside, do a complete somersault in mid air and NEVER touch the ground."

Confident of making an easy fifty dollars, the first man says, "That's impossible. NOBODY can do that. I'll take that bet".

So the second man goes over to the window, climbs outside, does a complete somersault in mid air and NEVER touches the ground. Then he comes back in and says, "Pay up, buddy".

The first man stands up and slams his fifty dollars on the bar and storms out shaking his head in disbelief.

"That's it" says the bartender. "Clear out of here. That's the third customer you've run off today. Gosh, Superman... You sure are mean when you're drunk."

[MichiganJ]

It made me think of Kevin.

"Oh, I heard you but at this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog."

"Everybody do the Michigan Rag.
Everybody likes the Michigan Rag.
Every Mame and Jane and Ruth, from Weehawken to Duluth.
Slide, ride, glide the Michigan.
Stomp, romp, pomp the Michigan.
Jump, clump, pump the Michigan Rag.

That lovin' rag!"

(Thanks, Chris. I needed that.
Oh, and Go Colts!)

[knitwit45]

The Longest Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[CharlieT]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel , the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in
the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77 . Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

[klondike]

I sure hope not!

[knitwit45]

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded..
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26 Better late than Pregnant

[knitwit45]

Women’s Thought For The Day:

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings....

We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick.. .

We're flexible....

[klondike]

WARNING: ADULT-SITUATION CONTENT FOLLOWS BELOW:



THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2009.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night, and heard you telling mom you were pulling out -Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming, too!
And I'll be dam*ed if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage, and no bike!

[knitwit45]

WARNING: ANOTHER 2 FEET OF SNOW!!!!!