Charlie, (so good to see you again) thanks for those. I remember that version of the sow well and I haven't laughed like this in awhile.
I think "a pineapple and a twenty" is funny enough but being delivered by Vincent Price is even better.
Sailor walks into a bar . . .
-
movieman1957
- Administrator
- Posts: 5522
- Joined: April 15th, 2007, 3:50 pm
- Location: MD
-
klondike
-
klondike
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and replied; "Well, it's because we're supposed to be a three-person team . . . but today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and replied; "Well, it's because we're supposed to be a three-person team . . . but today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . .. . Kill
her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5
minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . .. . Kill
her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5
minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my
wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Great Plays on Words:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
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klondike
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
THE 84 YEAR-OLD BRIDE
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer then asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director she answered".
"Interesting the newsman thought".
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments needing to reflect on all those years.
After a short time a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her quite astonished and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse carreers.
"Easy son", she smiled. I married one for the money.... two for the show.... three to get ready..... and four to go!
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer then asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be married again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director she answered".
"Interesting the newsman thought".
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments needing to reflect on all those years.
After a short time a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her quite astonished and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse carreers.
"Easy son", she smiled. I married one for the money.... two for the show.... three to get ready..... and four to go!
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ? 
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
This has been around for a while, but it's too funny not to put it here....
It's a tad loud, if you're at work....turn the sound down just a bit.....
The Mom Song
[youtube][/youtube]
It's a tad loud, if you're at work....turn the sound down just a bit.....
The Mom Song
[youtube][/youtube]
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this.....
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE........
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a
couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same
thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I
was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have
to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE........
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a
couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You
never get as sick as I do so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same
thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I
was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have
to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand
men.
"Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is..
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard
The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference." ~ Virginia Satir
""Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it." ~ Soren Kierkegaard